Nuts
by mmmmmmno
Summary: Persona 5 asks complicated questions about justice, the failings of society, perspective, responsibility, and personal agency. It is also a video game, which means it makes no sense on many occasions. Rated T for words that might hurt somebody's feelings, maybe. Also, SPOILERS.


**Persona 5 is a really, really good game. If you haven't played it, please stop reading this completely derivative fan work and rectify that situation. Persona 5 was made by a gigantic team of trained professionals who were recompensed handsomely for their work. This terrible parody was made by a single technically employed loser who, incidentally, does not own the game (please don't sue me I can only pay you with my body and you DON'T WANT THAT). The difference should be pretty obvious.**

 **That being said, it contains much silliness. Spoilers for like the first 5 minutes of the game follow.**

Akira Kurusu cast a mournful gaze about the room he'd been generously allotted by his new caretaker, Soujiro Sakura, in Tokyo, a highly livable combination of a human bird nest and the attic of some century old cathedral, also inhabited mostly by birds and homeless people.

He knew the drill. Keep your head down, count your blessings. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. What would the point be of complaining when he could easily be in juvenile detention right now? He'd already tortured his mind with musings about justice and society and failed authority figures. All he had left were his thoughts.

And that box his parents had sent him. Deciding to leave the rest of the catastrophe for another day, he gripped the cardboard box's punched-in handles and prepared to lift slowly, with his legs, as his dad had always lectured him about when lifting heavy objects. "Yeah, you're young and vigorous now, but you're gonna regret lifting with your back when it's fucked by age 30," he heard in his dad's voice as he lost his balance and lay dazed on his back amidst what felt like a heavy shelf and some buckets of... something.

He picked himself up from the wreckage and dragged himself over to the seemingly empty box, which frankly was not possible. That box contained all his belongings from his hometown. His parents had sent it to help him acclimate to the big city, to provide what minor comfort could be gleaned from his otherwise cold, unjust probation. He lifted it with one hand, gingerly. Felt empty. Shook it a bit, then opened it. OK, the box was completely empty.

So he bit the bullet and called his parents.

"Hey Mom."

"Hey there, son! How's the big city?"

"Where's my stuff, Mom."

"Oh, we gave it all to the Iranian transfer student we're renting your room out to, because frankly we're very disappointed in you son."

"Wait, what? You know what, never mind. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for causing so much trouble for you and Dad, I'm sorry for being a terrible son. I thought you got that and I thought you guys were behind me is all. I should have never messed with that random passerby, just let sleeping dogs - "

"Whoa whoa whoa. Hold it son."

"Hey Dad."

"Hey there, son. What's this about random passerby? We couldn't give two shits about that."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Look, this is the bitter truth, right? Every single Japanese adult already knows about this stuff. It's old news. Blah blah blah our government is wildly corrupt, no authority figures are to be trusted up to and including your own parents, society is a hot mess. I got that. Your mom's got that. Hell, even Ahmed's got that, and he's from fucking Iran. Smart kid. So the fact that you got screwed over by blatant, obvious evil seemingly endemic to the very institutions Japanese society is built upon? No big deal. Probably was gonna happen anyway. I mean, look what happened to your mother today. Tell him, hon."

"Well, you know that both your father and I - oh, and Ahmed of course - try very hard to be model citizens. But while living our intolerable, fetid existences as mechanical Japanese office workers whose only comfort is getting wildly drunk after hours, I was passed over for promotion for the 582nd time in favor of our male intern who graduated from college 4 months ago."

"Oh, and I got ticketed last week by a police officer who was just trying to hit his monthly quota."

"That you did, love."

"And I face relentless bullying at school due to my foreign heritage!"

"I'm guessing you're Ahmed."

"I am indeed, sir."

"OK, so if you're fine with all of this institutionalized corruption, what are you so disappointed with me for?"

"Son, why didn't you buy any DLC?"

"... What?"

"All of the DLC is very reasonably priced and features iconic costumes and summonable persona from past Shin Megami Tensei games, yet you decided not to purchase a single one. I mean, what's up with that? You could be dressed as Yu Narukami right now. RIGHT NOW. Well, OK, you couldn't because it only works in dungeons, but the point stands that you could literally be anybody else. Which frankly your mother and I would greatly appreciate."

"Thanks guys."

"No problem. Anyway, your failure to support our Atlus overlords is far more important than any sort of interesting dialogue about justice you might have been hoping to open. Without your financial investment, how are they going to gather the funds to gouge us with an updated rerelease of this game now? Think about it. It will be YOUR FAULT that this game literally ends with a montage. You could be doing something with those last few months. Fishing! Exploring some bullshit bonus dungeons! Looking up the correct dialogue choices to new Confidants! Hanging out with the girlfriend you'll have to leave at the end of the game!"

"Or boyfriend."

"Very true, dear. Incidentally, I just want you to know son, that if you ever, well, turn out to be swinging for the other team, your father and I would be completely fine with that."

"But not with failing to buy DLC."

"You got it, son. I knew all that schooling was worth something. Anyway, we don't love you anymore, which is why we're disowning you and adopting Ahmed instead."

"But we'd be willing to reconsider if you pick up some DLC like, right now."

"... Fine. I'm looking at the list here."

"And don't you dare pick the free - "

"Hey, I'm gonna download the free swimsuit. I might go swimming sometimes while I'm here. Are we cool? Do you guys still love me?"

"All right, fine. But since you didn't spend any money we're still adopting Ahmed. You hear that, Ahmed? You have a brother now."

"Wonderful! He can replace my 4 other siblings who were all murdered in cold blood by the local authoritarian government's military police!"

"That's fucked up, Ahmed. Anyway, while you're sending me a swimsuit, would you mind sending me my other stuff too? I live in a cafe's ruined attic with a caretaker who hates me and my life is miserable."

"We'll think about it. But your (ugh) FREE DLC that you just 'purchased' will be retroactively inside that box we sent you."

"You sent me a magic box? I... OK. Whatever. Thanks Mom and Dad."

"Ahem."

"And Ahmed."

"Bye son! We're never going to call you again! Have fun being judged by random strangers and shunned by a cruel, underinformed society!"

"Bye."

Akira hung up the phone, balefully considered whether to throw it out the window, then crawled over to the cardboard box representing the only tangible proof in his life that he'd ever had a loving set of parents. A love that apparently scaled with the amount of money he spent on bonus cosmetic skins. He hefted the box. Definitely felt a bit heavier. Then he opened it, and pulled out the first thing inside, which was an incredibly skimpy red bikini.

"Hey, I heard a crash from downstairs. Are you actually cleani - what the hell are you holding, kid."

 **Akira would be immediately sent to juvenile detention, where he would be informed that he had set a record time for being turned in by his probationary caretaker.**


End file.
